So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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