We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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