god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
