dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
