i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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