Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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