I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
