barbara walters just said penis...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like a drive thru vagina
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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