Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
