is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
