there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
