So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
