fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
