It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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