I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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