You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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