Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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