You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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