I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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