im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
