i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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