He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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