Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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