he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
