I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
