when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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