im holly from the hills drunk
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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