Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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