She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
