one might say we're banned from that church
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
