I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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