DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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