Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
