I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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