Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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