I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize