Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
