Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
