My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
His hands were made for my vagina.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
