she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
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