you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
