I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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