Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
