I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
