she was so not down for the gang bang
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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