If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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