Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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