Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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