I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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