dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
